Understanding | trexmoneypenny

I dont understand love, or loss, or the human capacity to feel so much or so little for something. Where's the middle ground? You're never just in the middle. Its either you're unphased or your in pieces on the floor.

I recently got my heart broken. Time number two. And it hurts. Alot. You think, "This time will be better than last time." "I won't make the same mistakes I made before." But it wasnt better and you made worse mistakes. Was it really you in your control of this relationship, or did fate already know what it had planned from the start? I wonder that. Was it over before it even began?

I want to cry, but I won't let myself. Not anymore. Not this time. I find myself singing softly, This time baby, I'll be bullet proof… Love is hard. And its such a huge chunk of your life, of your functionality. When your heart is broken, sometimes it feels like your whole life is that same way. Why is love so important, yet so elusive? Why do you need it, but when you have it you just fuck it up? Over and over and over… I can't convince myself that this is how God imagined love for us. This pure, wondrous feeling so utterly tainted by man. We use "love" up and when we finally have it we dont know what to do with it.

I thought my first heart break was bad, but this one… I dunno. It feels worse. Because it was unexpected and ugly. Its that other side of love where you hate their fucking guts. Its where I always go at "The End". I think Ill take a break for awhile. Chill solo until I can figure out how to fix whats broken. Each time hurts a little more, leaves you a little less complete. I'm going to find what they broke, fix it and just be happy.

I just wish that love wasnt so.. unloving.